Hello dear ones,
Today I came across two pictures from December 2018. that reminded me of how torn, sad and depressed I was at the time.
These pictures were my way of expressing that I was not able to express myself and my true feelings or even recognize and understand them. There were such moments again and again, in which my innermost, in which I tried to find myself and to get out of myself. But it was always in vain, I never understood what it all meant, who I was and why I was getting worse as life went on. Even years of therapy hardly brought me any further, because I never took my trans identity seriously enough, blamed myself for my depressions and anxiety disorders and repressed everything.
There is a text that I wrote almost exactly 10 years ago and that only a few people have read so far. It reflects very well how I was already at that time constantly in search of myself and how I already recognized fractionally that I had no constant identity. It is a very personal text and I would never have thought that I would ever show it to anyone. I wrote such texts again and again simply for myself, because these thoughts and feelings were there and wanted to get out. Today I am very happy to still have such texts, because it shows me how I felt back then and allows me to understand my past today.
I wrote the following text on 01.04.2012.
What is true and what is not? Which thoughts are mine and which are his? What is wrong and what is right? Who am I? Am I mistaken? Do my thoughts consist of lies? How can I learn to think what is right? How can I finally become truly happy? What does happiness mean to me at all? Why do I harm myself again and again? Am I normal? How can I live the life I want? Do I even wish for the right thing? What is the right thing? What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anything right at all? Who can help me? Can I help myself? How can I help myself at all? Why am I standing in my own way? How can I fight my second self? Or do I have to learn to live with it? And if so, how can I satisfy its needs without harming myself? Or am I the bad me that needs to disappear? And even if I have to disappear, how can I do that? After all, I have my own consciousness that can’t be erased just like that. Or should I just try to forget myself?
Sometimes I succeed, now and then even for a whole day. But then I go to sleep, already afraid that tomorrow everything will be over again. Then I wake up in the morning, everything seems normal. But as the day goes on, I realize that my fear has come true, I’m back to being the person I don’t want to be and I ask myself why? What did the night do to me that I am not the same today? Are the dreams to blame? Do they have such a strong influence on me? Or how is it possible that I am a different person from one day to the next?
In fact, I almost feel like it’s not just two people. It’s almost as if no fixed me exists, as if every day I’m just some random person from my memory who shaped me at some point. Yet my own self is supposed to be an amalgamation of all these people.
Is my brain not functioning properly? Or has my psyche just been put on the wrong track? Or perhaps I am simply taking refuge in another person because my own self is too confused?
Living in constant confusion is so terribly exhausting. But it is impossible to completely take refuge in another personality, so this other personality I take refuge in can only be a torn one after all. And how frightened must she be when she feels that she is not complete? But how can I prevent this escape? It is long too late when I feel that I am an Other. In what situations does this escape take place? I don’t know, because the transition is gradual, so I notice it much too late, if at all.
So how can I help myself? Who can I ask for help? And is this person even capable of helping me? Will he know what to do? Would I be able to tell him my situation? Will I even know what situation I am in?
My other self will probably judge these thoughts as wrong and suppress them and I will have lost again. Of course, I could still pass on these lines to a trusted person
My other self will probably judge these thoughts as wrong and suppress them, and I will have lost again. Of course, I could still pass these lines on to a trusted person beforehand. But my other self will try with all its might to resist this text. Who wants to believe that he is just a torn personality of someone else? The will of self-preservation is simply too powerful
So how is it possible to make a person aware that his personality is not true? The problem is, on the few days when I am really myself, I am aware of the other personalities, but as soon as I have adopted another personality, this one is the only true one and all my thoughts are directed towards it
It is an almost hopeless situation and yet I have hope. If I only bring enough changes into my life, maybe one day I will no longer escape. I even believe that it has already become less, even if I am particularly aware of it now. Or maybe I am more aware than ever precisely because the lucid moments in my life have become more frequent.
As you can see, I really had a lot of questions that I couldn’t answer for myself. For this reason, I would like to do so in the next few posts. I am curious myself what will come out of it. But one thing is clear, I will finally be able to answer them, and at this thought alone, tears are already coming to my eyes, because I can feel the sadness of the person who wrote this text. And at the same time I feel happiness at the thought that after 10 years these unanswered questions may finally get an answer.
Even today, every day is a little struggle for me not to fall into old habits and patterns that I unfortunately acquired in the course of growing up. But now at least I know who I am and what I am fighting for and that every day I take another small step in the right direction to get the life I want.
And now let’s quickly bring colour back into play, because my life is no longer as black and white as it is in the picture 😉
Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)